there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
