You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
