So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
