All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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