remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
