i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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