Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
