Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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