I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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