That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
