its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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