i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
