oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
