i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
