that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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