I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
