I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
