we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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