I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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