Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
