We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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