I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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