I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
