I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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