mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
