I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
