I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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