Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
