I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
