the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
