when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
