Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
