I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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