Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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