Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
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