My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
