Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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