Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
