They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
