I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
