I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
