I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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