I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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