i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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