God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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