apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
