So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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