Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
