i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
