Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
