My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
