she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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