Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
