I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
