I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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