All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
